The Best Parenting Advice I Can Offer

My children are quickly growing up. My oldest will turn 15 in two weeks. The time really does go by so fast. I often have people ask me questions about parenting. I really like both of my children and enjoy spending time with my teenager (I enjoy spending time with my 10 year old as well, but people seem less surprised by that.) When I think about my parenting journey, I can recall a time in my life when I experienced a paradigm shift that changed the way I saw our home life.

When my daughter was two, she used to throw massive tantrums. Really. People who know her now think I made this up, but, I was there and I can promise you that she gave me a run for my money. I was frustrated and felt like a failure as a parent. I was angry that she was so difficult to live with and I really questioned if having a second child would be a good idea and something that I could handle. I read LOTS of parenting books and asked lots of questions and attended parenting conferences in an attempt to figure out what other people were doing and what might work to restore my sanity and bring peace to our home. I won't bore you with the details of every step in that process, let me just skip to the bottom line. 

I realized that many people have the mentality that it is the kid(s) vs. the parent(s). The strong willed child has pitted herself against you and you must find a way to subdue her. Let me tell you that this is the most damaging way of looking at your parent-child relationship. What I discovered is that this mindset of being the one in "control" and having to bring your little ones into submission is setting your home up to be a battlefield. Let me assure you that it is not parents vs. kids or kids vs. parents. It is a family vs. the problems and challenges the world throws at you. You and your child are on the same team. This may sound simple, but it changed my life. 

When you realize that loving a child (or a spouse for that matter) means that you are on the same team and that loving someone means that you are actively pursuing growth and nurturing for that person's best self - you are already more than half way to a more peaceful home life. Stop trying to control your child or have the last word and embrace a paradigm that allows you to be you and them to be them. There is so much more to this concept, but the first step is to realize that you are on the same team. 

A few books that are helpful is pursuing a non-adversarial parenting style are:

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

The Successful Child by William and Martha Sears 

The Natural Child: Parenting From the Heart by Jan Hunt

Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World by Ruth Tod