Intentionally Keeping House or The Karate Kid Cleans My Shower

 Normally, I don't like to clean anything. In a perfect world, I could afford household help and would hire some person who believed cleaning was their life-calling, pay them a very good living wage, and treat them like family. (I add this part because there is something in me that cries out against hiring someone to do my dirty work. It would feel wrong and I would want to make sure, even in my fantasy world, that this person was properly compensated and in no way diminished by doing my chores.) But, to get back to the intentional part of this post...

We live in a very small apartment and have no dishwasher. We don't even have laundry hook-up. We have lived here for about six years, so it is normal for us. When we first moved in, I thought that simplifying my life would be very zen and would help me focus on what was important. It did, sometimes. I also had to move here because it was cheaper, but I like to focus on the glass being half full. So, my glass is half full of that lemonade I made out the of the lemons life has doled out. Perspective is everything.

Every now and again I will have some sort of spiritual experience around household tasks and I inevitably fall into pondering the universe, the sensual experience of cleaning house, and the meaning of life in general. Usually I am in a dead rush to get the cleaning done, cook an allergen free meal, homeschool two children, work two jobs, and keep up with doctor appointments. But, today, I was off from my work at the library and had some time to slow down and catch up on household maintenance.

Washing dishes can really be a lovely experience, if you can take the time to think about washing dishes. The hot water with lemony smelling soap, the soap suds, the soft cloth you wash with. It is a very satisfying thing to see the progression of dishes making their way from the "dirty" side to the "clean" side. Something about it feels renewing. Today my senses feasted on the tangy smell of cleaner, the crisp feel of clean linens as I made the bed, the steamy water in the sink as I wiped each dish, and the timelessness of putting the cast iron skillet on to heat. I realized as I pondered on the day and what it made it feel so right, that is was the act of being in each task when I was there that made it pleasing.

While I was making the bed, I was making the bed. While I was cooking lunch, I was cooking lunch. The act of intentionally taking part in each task made me take notice of the task itself. The senses became engaged.
I passed this on to my ten year old son in a humorous way. He is not so keen on household tasks, though he helps when asked. While I was keeping house this morning, he was indulging in a viewing of the original Karate Kid movie. I told him when it was over, that he would need to help me with the cleaning.

When the final credits rolled, I took him to the bathroom and pointed out that the shower was in need of a good scrubbing. I armed him with cleaner, a scrub brush, a rag, and a retired tooth brush for the cracks between the tiles. I explained that like Daniel in the Karate Kid, he was about to have a chance to build his muscles with repetitive motion and household chores. I am sure you will not be surprised when I say that he looked very skeptical. I showed him how "scrub on - scrub off" could work on the tiles. He looked even more skeptical, but he set to work with a good will. It is worth noting here that I thought this would be a short lived project, but figured any help with scrubbing a bathroom is a good thing.

Apparently intentional cleaning can work for kids too. He scrubbed for a long time and... was happy about it and proud of the finished product. My shower looks the best it has in ages.

The Best Parenting Advice I Can Offer

My children are quickly growing up. My oldest will turn 15 in two weeks. The time really does go by so fast. I often have people ask me questions about parenting. I really like both of my children and enjoy spending time with my teenager (I enjoy spending time with my 10 year old as well, but people seem less surprised by that.) When I think about my parenting journey, I can recall a time in my life when I experienced a paradigm shift that changed the way I saw our home life.

When my daughter was two, she used to throw massive tantrums. Really. People who know her now think I made this up, but, I was there and I can promise you that she gave me a run for my money. I was frustrated and felt like a failure as a parent. I was angry that she was so difficult to live with and I really questioned if having a second child would be a good idea and something that I could handle. I read LOTS of parenting books and asked lots of questions and attended parenting conferences in an attempt to figure out what other people were doing and what might work to restore my sanity and bring peace to our home. I won't bore you with the details of every step in that process, let me just skip to the bottom line. 

I realized that many people have the mentality that it is the kid(s) vs. the parent(s). The strong willed child has pitted herself against you and you must find a way to subdue her. Let me tell you that this is the most damaging way of looking at your parent-child relationship. What I discovered is that this mindset of being the one in "control" and having to bring your little ones into submission is setting your home up to be a battlefield. Let me assure you that it is not parents vs. kids or kids vs. parents. It is a family vs. the problems and challenges the world throws at you. You and your child are on the same team. This may sound simple, but it changed my life. 

When you realize that loving a child (or a spouse for that matter) means that you are on the same team and that loving someone means that you are actively pursuing growth and nurturing for that person's best self - you are already more than half way to a more peaceful home life. Stop trying to control your child or have the last word and embrace a paradigm that allows you to be you and them to be them. There is so much more to this concept, but the first step is to realize that you are on the same team. 

A few books that are helpful is pursuing a non-adversarial parenting style are:

Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

The Successful Child by William and Martha Sears 

The Natural Child: Parenting From the Heart by Jan Hunt

Positive Parenting for a Peaceful World by Ruth Tod

Hope is the thing with feathers...

     

Hope is the thing with feathers 

That perches in the soul, 

And sings the tune--without the words, 

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard; 

And sore must be the storm 

That could abash the little bird 

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, 

And on the strangest sea; 

Yet, never, in extremity, 

It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

We are pressing onward. In the midst of chronic illness and other related trials, I am gifted with hope for the future and hope that we will see the end of this particular run of challenges soon. I keep thinking to myself, that the only way through is forward. Surely on the other side of this week, this month, this year, there will be a lessening of pressing stresses and life can return to a more "normal" pace.

Whit has started weekly injections, weekly blood work, more daily medications, and is still getting his infusions and supplements. He feels good today. It is hard to predict what each day will be like. We are living with the constant up and down of good days followed by bad days followed by awful days followed by a great day. This is the kind of schedule that really teaches you to enjoy the small things in life - quiet moments of cuddling on the couch, reading books out loud together, laughter, beauty, love...

People are so kind. Lots of people ask about Whit. The neighborhood where we live has nice places to walk. The shop owners ask about him when they see me out and about. My wonderful, encouraging co-workers are always checking in with me to see how the week is going. My family is incredibly helpful and supportive. I have friends that are always checking up on me. I am grateful.

I have hesitated to write much about Whit's health issues. There is his privacy to consider. I also feel unsure about how much to share of my personal feelings about his illness for many reasons. But, recently, I began to search for blogs and information about children with severe ulcerative colitis and related auto immune disease issues. I did not find much. What I did find was incredibly encouraging to me. It was so affirming to read about other's experiences with their children and how they have coped. This made me feel that maybe it would help someone else to put myself out there. Whit's combination of diseases does not get that much press. He has celiac disease, severe food allergies, ulcerative colitis, and asthma. Right now, it is the ulcerative colitis that is causing him so many problems. His colon is ulcerated and will bleed out if he is not treated. The struggle since his disease went active again in September, has been to control his bleeding, pain, and other symptoms. He has to be on steroids that cause swelling, weight gain, emotional swings, and sleeplessness. His medications can affect his liver and he has to have weekly blood work to check his liver numbers. They also destroy his immune system.

Maybe I will take this post down at some point, but for now, I feel it is okay to post about our family and our struggle with ulcerative colitis. Whit is running out of time to be on the steroids. You cannot take them long term. He is stepping down now. Over the next few weeks, he will be tapered off of them completely and the infusions and injections will need to sustain his progress. If not, we will be facing some big decisions about how to continue his treatment. We are hoping for the best. As I listened to the birds singing outside my window, as spring creeps in, I was reminded that hope is the thing with feathers. I do hope this spring brings a new season of health to my Whit.

Homeschooling in a time of Colitis

It has been a long time since my last entry. Sometimes life is interrupted by unforeseen circumstances - in this case, ulcerative colitis.

We have lived with ulcerative colitis for a long time. My son was diagnosed with it at three years old, for seven years he has had times of remission and times when the disease was active again. When times are good, he has enjoyed long periods of feeling energetic and healthy. When the disease flares up, times are difficult.

He has been on daily medications since he was three years. He also takes probiotics, vitamins, and eats a careful, colitis-friendly diet. Despite our best efforts, there are still flare ups.

This fall has been a long, hard battle with ulcerative colitis. It first started up again in September. We have tried many things and searched out possible reasons for why things can't seem to calm down... but we are still fighting the good fight and my son is still in the midst of pain, stomach issues, and the uncertainty of what each day will be like. It is hard for anyone to suffer from an illness with chronic pain, but for children, it can be especially challenging. It has been awhile since I have posted an entry here. Life with colitis has taken up most of our time this school year. We are now trying an infusion treatment to see if it can bring him some relief. I hope to get back to posting more soon. I hope I will have more to say about parenting and homeschooling during times of illness. At this moment, I am still pretty tired and too much in the midst of the struggle to write much.

Christmas Eve 2013

Thought a bit today about the situation surrounding the account of the birth of Christ and how it was very inconvenient. Inn's were full, heavily pregnant, low on funds (no doubt), oppressive government (not to mention no indoor plumbing, stove to heat water, or medical facilities). They were also very young and just starting out. Neither Mary or Joseph had anticipated their lives heading in that... direction. It's easy at the holidays to see perfect homes and people who have "it all together" (whatever that means) - people with healthy children and spacious homes covered in designer lights and mountains of gifts - and wish that my own life was somehow more like the photo on Christmas cards instead of the messy business it is. But, even in the mess this holiday season has been, I think I have known more of the spirit of God this year than ever before. I try to be careful what I say about this - because Jesus was probably born closer to March than December. Most of our Christmas traditions have more to do with ancient "pagan" practices than any real ties to the account of the birth of Christ. Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas - I just recognize that some of hype is more tradition than truth. But here is the truth I can sink my teeth into this year - I have struggled with my faith over the years and cycled in and out of doubt and belief. As it stands, I have more questions than answers most of the time - but I have seen strange and miraculous things in the past month. Things that can't be explained - prayers that no one knew about that were answered so specifically and repeatedly that I have been amazed - and even a bit frightened - truth be told. To watch a beloved child go through the entire fall in varying degrees of pain and to feel so uncertain of the outcome - that is a soul searching experience. All of that to say, that I have never had a holiday season quite like this one - one disaster after another, but my spirit is peaceful. My soul is thankful for each day - for each affirmation of love. I am surrounded by it - I breathe it in. I still have moments of panic and anger - but, they pass - and what is left behind is peace... and love. Maybe the inconvenience of this holiday season has been more like the account of Christ's birth and less like the modern Christmas - lot's of inconvenience, worry about a beloved son, wondering how to pay for things, and frustration with government policies (in my case, mostly related to health care) But still, a light shines in the darkness, friends brought gifts from afar, and... I am not sure there weren't angels.

There and Back Again

After a two week experiment with trying a different approach to education, we are back to The Rivendell School for both of my children.
The experience of listening, trying something new, expanding our horizons, and finding our place again has been well worth the stress.
I am amazed at how much I have learned in the past two weeks. It is apparent that my children have learned a lot as well. Of course, I am not talking about academic learning - but learning of the spirit. We have had some fabulous conversation, soul searching, and self-examination. All of this has been very tiring, but very productive as well.
We are now ready to meet the bend in the road with new enthusiasm and direction. A lot of growing up, grieving, and letting go has happened in a few short weeks.
And... here we are... together again for a new school year. It feels like we are starting fresh - like we never went to school for 3 weeks in one paradigm and then 2 in another. It all feels new. In a way, it is. We have left our old curriculum behind. We are embracing a new part of our journey together and we are wiser for having spent this time exploring educational options. So, we will take a holiday for some breathing in and then move onward and upward.
A funny thing happened a few weeks ago. The children were in the yard playing on the rope swing and their laughter was coming to me clear and sweet from the window. It felt like a "snapshot" moment - like I was saving up the beauty of that second in time. I remember feeling a bit nervous - like I was experiencing some moment of perfection before a storm. I am often intuitive that way. The very next day, we experienced some educational upheaval that changed things for us and has taken most of our time for the past few weeks.  Today, as the period of disruption came to a close, the children were sitting together on the sofa and I was in the other room. The sound of their spontaneous laughter came to me and I immediately remembered that moment a few weeks ago. It was the first time since that day that I have consciously taken in the sound of their happiness. It is the bookends on this experience. It felt like closure. It also reminded me that laughter goes on. Life will change and seasons will come and go, but laughter lives on.

Brave New World

Sometimes life takes you by surprise. I cannot really go into that much detail on the why, how, and where of this cryptic statement except to say that we are trying a new experiment in our home education journey.

There have been some changes, some life shifts, some truth seeking, and we are dipping our toes into new waters.

The danger of encouraging your children to think for themselves is that they will. Sometimes they may even come up with their own conclusions and want to try their plan their way. Sometimes they even ask nicely and have some thoughts on how to go about it. Sometimes you should listen. This is a big lesson I learned in our first month of school this year. I love that I can still be taught, even if, sometimes, the lessons hurt a little. It is hard to let go of your children - even for their small steps to independence.

I love both of my children so much that I cannot really express it in words. I want to love them in ways that feel like love to them. I know that people feel love in different ways - and sometimes it is easy to love people in the way that you know how - and hard to learn the way that feels most like love to that person you want so desperately to show love to. I hope that I keep learning the ways of love. I hope that I can show love in ways that are meaningful to the people I love, even if it is difficult to figure out and challenging to follow up on.

A quote I have long admired and pondered comes to mind:

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”  - Thomas Merton